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Hello Therapist: My brother & his wife always fight & I play mediator as they deny therapy; What should I do?
In our Anonymous new segment, Hello Therapist, today, we have Dr Rahul Ratan Bagale Psychiatrist & Psychotherapist, Apollo Clinic Pune solving your personal doubts.
Hello Therapist,
My brother and sister-in-law had an arranged marriage but constantly fight. I always play mediator but nothing seems to be going good for them. They have discussed it many times. I had suggested them for a separation too but they don’t want to as they are worried about society.
Hello Pinkvilla Reader,
Marriages, whether arranged or the love ones, have certain perks along with equal responsibilities, that's why we call it a 'Shaadi ka laddoo'!
As your brother and his wife are struggling through their marriage; there must have been some uncovered issues that are not making them experience the perks in it.
Being into arranged one, there is a rare possibility of non-compatibility on an emotional level, as you said that despite making efforts there hasn't been any solution yet. But remember, no two human beings are the same and expecting it in a marriage is not at all practical. Though you have been trying your best to help your brother and sister in law, wouldn't it be more appropriate if you may ask them to consult with a professional Marriage Counsellor, who can make the problem assessment, independently as a third person (rather than a "mediator")?
Playing the role of mediator in marital issues is a tough job for family members where both parties try it hard to put their views and blaming how another person is all wrong. But, marriage is not a blame game. It means, to accept your partner wholeheartedly, unconditionally and in a non-judgmental way. Acceptance of the unacceptable things in each other can only make it possible for your brother & his wife to settle down over the issues of conflicts. Mutual respect for differences in opinion is a key element in any marriage to sustain it and blossom year by year.
Suggesting someone to get separated is questionable advice, without trying to seek any professional help. Let them first see, whether the problem can be resolved and in most cases, it can be worked upon with communication and patience. Being in the marriage without being understood, loved or appreciated enough; may take a toll on the mental health of your brother and his wife. In a rare case, if things don't work out at all, the couple may consider separating with mutual respect. There is no point in thinking about what the society or relatives think about you, in case separation is opted for.
It is perfectly okay, nowadays, to start a new journey in a relationship rather than trying to save a sinking boat (but definitely consider an attempt to save it first). It is your brother and his wife who may be struggling with discomfort and distress, in day to day life while being together. Every broken relationship is a stepping stone to understand ourselves better and evolve as better human beings, if we do some mental work thereafter... because life goes on and it is full of unlimited possibilities. So, the bottom line is to seek professional help and try to identify the problem areas.
If they can be fixed by some efforts, that's wonderful and if the couple is not ready to work upon; do consider another option without any resentment, guilt or shame...As it is ultimately their life and they only have the right to live it their own way.
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Disclaimer: Hello Therapist is an infotainment feature. The information contained in these topics is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, it is provided for infotainment purposes only. By submitting your queries to Pinkvilla, you agree that we may use and edit it partially /full for clarity and ease of understanding of our readers. The advice given is not be used as a substitute for consultation with a professional psychologist or other professional health or medical provider.
