Hello Therapist: I'm a divorcee with a child & in love with a man from a different continent: What should I do

Hello Therapist, 

I am a 40-year-old woman, separated from my husband for almost 7 years now and I have a daughter who is 14 years old. I don't wish to marry again but I have fallen for a man who is also married and lives on a different continent. 

We met in India a few months back and we are still in touch with each other. He is also the father of a 2 yr old. We met on a dating app and he lied to me initially that he is single. When he was in India we had a wonderful time together and we clicked very well.

I was looking for companionship and he was perfect for me. But after a month I found out myself that he is married, I questioned him directly that why he lied to me, the reason he told me is that he wanted me to be in his life and did not want to lose me.

He is still in touch with me and makes sure that I am fine. I am confused with my feelings for him, as I like him as a person and the only thing that is bothering me is the trust issue.

For me it is getting very difficult to let go of him, he is the kind of man I always wanted for myself. I have told him clearly that it would be very difficult for me to develop trust in him again, and he is saying he is ready to wait for it. We will not be meeting very frequently, it is a long-distance relationship, it’s just that we're supporting each other emotionally.

What should I do? I don't want to lose him also but I am not able to forgive and forget all the lies that he has told me.

Answer

Your lack of trust in him is not misplaced. I would urge you however to understand and talk to him about the reason he lied. What were his fears? What was his motivation? Any relationship is based on loyalty, honesty and trust. Although your trust has been shaken, it is equally true that it will take time. Be patient and let your hurt heal. I also urge you to not discount his efforts to work for the relationship and gain trust. Whenever you feel the mistrust creeping up, communicate it. Keep the channels of communication open.

A Long distance relationship brings with itself it's own challenges. You need to find your own ways of connecting. And the efforts will have to conscious, and purposeful.

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