Shivaay Movie Review: Don’t smoke what Ajay’s having

Bollywood, get it straight one last time. Beautiful locales doesn’t make a good film. Neither can a superstar. Nor can great visuals. Neither can slick action. If you are missing a good story, please avoid putting 300 people through the turmoil of making a film for which we won’t have even a word of praise for. Ajay Devgn had a mammoth of a task ahead of him. He solely had to hold on to the attention of his viewers for a chunky runtime of 2 hours and 53 minutes. And with a lame story, that’s too much to ask of even from Al Pacino. Ajay fights the lost battle with all his might and in moments in the film, your heart goes out to him for his sincerity and commitment. Quick Reminder: He is also the director! WHAM! #Rantbegins Bro, what on earth were you smoking? Don’t pass the joint. (Prays for everyone’s sanity #Amen)

If you have a relative idea of Meluha’s gist then Shivaay’s template seems familiar. Let us forewarn you, there are few mercies lying ahead. A man, mountaineer, holds on to his chillum ala the Lord Shiva and chills in life. We recommend some sort of intoxication, grass, pot et al if you at all embark on this fiasco like we did. A guide and a tourist fall in love amidst the snow clad Himalayas. She is a firang called Olga who speaks impeccable Hindi. Too bad, the same cannot be said about Shivaay’s English who, much like Deepika Padukone of xXx holds on to his precious desi twang. He impresses her with his trekking skills, swagger and mostly cool tattoos. The girl, let’s call her a spineless bimbette, falls in love with him practically within minutes. The tattoos do the trick and I wish she had met Rock On 2 director Shujat Saudagar before Ajay. If tattoos is the criteria to fall in love, Shujat wins hands down. Olga and Shivaay are hit by an avalanche but they don’t really die in it. You really wish they did.

Let’s give you the chronology. Day 1 : Meet and Greet. She doesn’t freeze to death despite wearing shorts. He, too, has a high threshold for all things cold. Likes to lie bare backed at most times. Day 2. Love. Day 3: Avalanche. Day 4: Sex. Heard of gravity defying stunts? Now watch, gravity defying sex. #SingsDarkhast Like in the 80s, within the first half an hour, Olga is all set to be a kunwari maa. Hawww shame shame? Naeh, Ajay is too cool for it. He practically forces her to have a child she wanted to get rid of (hence spineless) and she relents a little too easily and conveniently. A mute cutiepie is born and Shivaay gets his adhi family, Olga goes back to Bulgaria.

In the next half an hour, the papa and beti bond over mountain-climbing. At this exact point, Shivaay becomes Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Letters reveals past truths and that’s that. The kid and her zid forces the duo to travel to Bulgaria (Gadar? Oh God!). Then she gets kidnapped and suddenly we land in Mardaani and Shivaay becomes Singham!

Another bimbette pops in during their Bulgarian trip (Sayyeshaa). Her expressions are hilarious and dialogues are priceless. She, in fact, concludes the film with a line - I don’t know what to say. I am at a loss for words. There, she sums up the film in fewer words than we did. And that’s her only contribution to this gareebon ka masterpiece.

Ajay, however, is ace. As an actor, we mean. As a director, he hasn’t made much headway still. His action is worth ogling at and his intensity evokes hoots.

It is shameful how logic isn’t one of the things Ajay spared a thought for. Sample this – Someone screams Shivaay’s name from the foothills and he jumps from approximately 6000 feet and literally flies down in two minutes. Oh cinematic liberties. Oh self indulgence. Why do I smell Sanjay Leela Bhansali in Ajay’s film?

Performances are stable but the story is a let down. 172 minutes is a lot to bear some good butt kickin’. Ajay, hire some better writers next time and give the chillum a break!

We rate this film a 40% on the Pinkvilla Movie Meter.