Colours of Courage: Single mom who ended a sexless marriage and is now a sex educator, meet Pallavi Barnwal

Pallavi Barnwal had no intention of becoming the face of a sexually empowered Indian woman. Her entry into this space was motivated by her own life experiences as well as those of those around her. Hailing from a small town in Bihar, Bokaro, she has had a conservative childhood. Although she wasn't aware of it at the time, her parents' relationship was the first influence on her. 

“Both my parents had an affair. My mother started it, which eventually ended the marriage, and my father made it worse because of his male ego and social ridicule that a woman could go so far as to have an extramarital affair. Growing up in the house, there was no physical violence, but there was emotional violence. The situation altogether made me very sensitized to the general vulnerabilities of human beings. I didn't see the perfect image, but I did see the grey area of a marriage, which provided me with a lot of depth. It had an impact on my childhood, both traumatically and in terms of awareness of human behaviour’’, Pallavi confesses.

Before getting divorced, Pallavi was living in a sexless marriage for almost 6 years. Her marriage was like a long-term restraint on her sexuality. She says, “I got married on a rebound. I was in a relationship and then the boy abandoned me. I couldn’t deal with the heartbreak so I thought getting into another relationship would make up for the past and I just married in a zippy within 4 months of the courtship period. It was an arranged marriage and I came with no literacy about a relationship. People have a tendency to believe that marriage is all about shopping and honeymooning, but then you have to start living with other people and parents, and all of these complexities come into play. It was more of a compromise for me."

She followed all of the customs and traditions, and even had a baby within a year of her marriage, but it still didn't work. She felt that since she had tried everything and nothing worked, she should now be given a fair chance to do what she believes is best for her.

Pallavi discovered her sexuality after her husband relocated to the United States for two years for work reasons. “I was here on my own and then I had an affair, which was very passionate, high on sexting and flirting in every possible manner in comparison to a 6-year sexless marriage. Romance was fine, but we used to spend a lot of time talking about fantasies. I went from being a sexless woman to blossoming sexually with that man all of a sudden. And because I was so disconnected from this pleasure due to duties and familial responsibilities, it made me realise that these feelings were alive in me, and I wanted to experience pleasure and love, but not with my husband’’, she adds.

Pallavi was a 32 years old divorcee and a single mother, and suddenly there was no pressure on her. “Following the marriage, I had a string of failed relationships with emotionally abusive and unavailable men, all of which pointed to my inner lack of self-worth,” she exclaims. In due course of time, Pallavi, who was working in customer sales began to consider a career change to rebuild her future in the field of intimacy counselling. She believed that removing the stigma and taboos associated with sex through uninhibited education and conversations would end many sex-related problems in our society, whether physical, emotional, or social.

But life isn’t easy for Pallavi as one of the few female intimacy influencers in the country. She receives numerous messages from men who believe they have the right to ask her to sleep with them because she talks about sex. She shares, “I used to be very open about my sexuality. I am emerging as a very radical and outspoken individual. Even though my intentions were sincere, it was clear that I was an outlier. I, too, yearned for social acceptance. That meant I had to conform to social norms. However, I find it very human and acceptable to discuss sexual needs.”

Pallavi has been conducting workshops, writing columns and books, and providing in-person counselling where people can freely discuss sex and intimacy. It's still difficult for women to break the ice, she explains, “Every level of a relationship should have some level of intimacy. You keep the intimacy going through life's ups and downs. It is not a utopian concept."

Barnwal has been thinking about remarrying for the past two years. She isn't afraid to date again and fall in love. She says, “I'm glad I got through this period of no faith in marriage because it allowed me to rediscover my faith in love. A man should be at ease with my profession, understand me, and not be hesitant. I don't want any major split between what I believe and what I do. My partner's thought process should be free of constraints."

Sex education is also an important tool for empowering women and Pallavi’s message to women is- “When a girl is born in India, people say "Lakshmi ayi hai," but no one says she's the kaali. We are hesitant to apply such a metaphor to femininity because Kaali, as a goddess, is aggressive, bold, and fierce. She is frequently depicted standing with one foot on her male consort Shiva's supine figure. The imagery demonstrates the belief that female energy is active and dominant. A woman can be fierce, intense, and passionate. Kali is completely at ease with her sexuality. She's wearing a mund mala and a chaal, she's almost naked, and she's at ease with her nakedness. Women, I believe, must embrace their inner kaali,” she signs off.

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